Dear Mindful Surrogate: I’m the Baker of the Bun

Dear Sassy Surrogate: How do you deal with “giving up” the baby, especially explaining this to others. Sincerely, The Oven for your Bun

Dear Oven: Great question! This comes up all the time. It’s a legitimate thing to wonder about, that moment when you hand the baby to their parent(s). You know that amazing feeling of giving birth to your own children and the incredible bond you immediately felt. A lot of surrogates express their concern about those moments right after birth. Also, as a pregnant woman, everyone and their neighbor will ask a lot of questions. As a gestational surrogate, you’ll get even more questions. How do you handle those about “giving up” your baby and the feelings that brings up?

One thing to remember is that, although you’re carrying the baby for roughly 9 months, it’s not biologically related to you. It’s like the t-shirt says, “Their Bun, My Oven”. You’ll be nurturing this baby and taking the best care possible, like you did with your own children. However, the embryo was created using the egg of a donor or the intended mother and donor sperm or the sperm of the intended father, so you’ll have a different type of attachment to the baby. You became a surrogate so that you could carry a child for someone else who was unable to. You’re not giving up a child that belongs to you.

Of course, you’ll be walking through this journey alongside the intended parent(s). Meeting the people that you’re going to give this amazing gift to is an exciting part of the process. This happens well before the transfer, so you have a chance to get to know them, and depending on the desired relationship, maybe get to spend some time together. It’s a team effort, and the end goal is for them to have the joy of being parents like you already have with your family. It certainly can be difficult to imagine what that moment will look like. It’s different for everyone. I can speak from my own personal experience as a surrogate. To witness the parents meeting their baby for the very first time is an unforgettable experience. It felt very natural and easy to give them their child.

Don’t forget that your agency should be there for you. The case managers and everyone at PNW Surrogacy are there to support you if you choose to go through their agency. If you have questions or concerns about what to expect at the delivery, you should ask. It’s best to talk through this ahead of time, rather than in the moment. They’ve got meet ups, tons of information on their website, and staff to provide support on your surrogacy journey.

Lastly, as far as explaining it to others. One of the things I’ve found to be true with surrogacy is that it’s not for everyone. Whether it’s when you’ve just started the application process or when you’re mid-pregnancy, people feel oddly comfortable asking how you’re going to “give up” the baby. They also tell you how they could never do that themselves.  Depending on the situation, you can give an answer something like, “The baby isn’t biologically related to me. I’m carrying for some wonderful people who couldn’t on their own. I love my family, and we’re really excited to help build theirs as well.” This is the kind of answer I would give to the cashier at the grocery store who asked my children if they’re excited to have a little brother or sister, or to a co-worker in the elevator. Share as much or as little as you want to about your surrogacy journey.

Surrogacy isn’t something that everyone is familiar or comfortable with just yet. People mean well, and they’re curious. If people want to learn more about the journey of a surrogate mother in general, Pacific Northwest Surrogacy has some great resources including FAQs, videos, blogs, and we’re even on Facebook.

Please click the link to submit your intake form through the Pacific Northwest website when you’re ready to be considered for our surrogacy program.