Ally's Twin Surrogacy Journey for a Single Father
ALLY HAEGELE
“I loved this experience, and will spend the rest of my life being grateful that I got to be a part of this and help build a family, and that my kids got to learn young that families are built in all kinds of ways, and all you really need for a family is love... and a little science!”
MONTH AND YEAR SURROGATE BABY/BABIES WAS BORN
January 2020
WHAT ORIGINALLY INSPIRED YOU TO LOOK INTO SURROGACY?
"A combination of my doctors in previous pregnancies suggesting it, and seeing more and more friends and moved ones struggle with infertility as we got older."
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE OR MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT DURING THIS WHOLE PROCESS?
“I think my favorite part was delivery day - finally seeing all that hard work pay off and the father getting two healthy babies.”
WHAT WAS THE MOST UNEXPECTED PART OF THIS PROCESS?
“I think when I first started researching, it was that I would have to take all the IVF medications. I was very naive to the process and thought for some reason that I wouldn't have to (since I didn't for my children). After the whole process, though, I think I am most surprised by my feelings afterwards. I was worried that I'd feel attached and struggle to give the babies back to their dad, but it felt so natural, just like at the end of any other babysitting. However, I didn't expect the very protective instinct I had over them. I guess I thought I'd mentally "check out" after they were in their parents arms (again, like any other babysitting), but I didn't feel that way this time. I had a heightened awareness any time the nurses would give
baby care instructions, etc., to make sure they knew that they needed to speak to the parent and made sure all information regarding proper feeding and child seat safety was relayed properly to the parent, as I remember how invaluable all that education and information is as a parent of a newborn.”
HOW WAS THE MATCHING PROCESS?
“The matching process for me was easy and seamless. I remember thinking that the written profile was very vague and I couldn't really gather a "feeling" from that, but meeting the intended father via video conference, I could tell how much he wanted to be a dad, and that is when I felt the "click".”
HOW WAS THE PREGNANCY AND HOW INVOLVED WERE THE INTENDED PARENTS DURING THE PREGNANCY?
"Overall, the twin pregnancy was "textbook" as my OB would say. It was my first ever time carrying multiples, so while it was more "eventful" than any of my previous singleton pregnancies, it was still an extremely healthy twin pregnancy. With that said, I wouldn't ever willingly carry twins, again, as it was much more exhausting and despite it being an "easy" twin pregnancy, you are still always worried about the additional risks with multiples, so I don't wish that stress upon my family or any intended parents again. My intended father was always available to chat, and I'd text him updates at least weekly about the belly, foods I was craving, baby size updates, videos of them moving, etc., and would video call him for every ultrasound. Living several states away, he couldn't be there in-person as much as I envisioned, so we tried to make up for it with videos and texts."
HOW DID YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THE PROCESS, LIKE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY? EVEN STRANGERS?
"I was always very forthcoming with the fact that I was a surrogate, as it just made conversations easier, but I also just let people ask their questions and guide the conversation, and kept my answers brief. Like, "You're going to have your hands full"... "No, I'm a surrogate, no more babies for me to take care of" or "I couldn't do that as I couldn't give my baby up!"..."Well, there is no genetic relation, as it wasn't my egg, we used IVF, so I am just the babysitter, not giving up my baby, just giving the parents back their baby at the end of my babysitting duties". I think most questions and comments come from a good place and are just genuinely curious, as gestational surrogacy is still fairly rare.”
HOW DID YOU TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SURROGACY BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THE BIRTH?
"Our kids ages range over 7 (almost 8) years, so we had to sort of customize it to each child (our youngest was only 1 when we started researching and applying), but we just always explained what it was, and let them guide the conversation from there by asking questions. We are firm believers that if they are old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to get the real answer, so each kid basically got it explained as much as they asked, at all stages. Our youngest, then 3 for duration of pregnancy, was the most "involved" with the pregnancy, simply because he is my baby, so the one who was having to share my lap with the growing belly, and the one who was most affected by me being unable to lift or carry him during the pregnancy, but he loved to talk and sing to the belly and feel the babies move. My oldest (10 at time of pregnancy) was the most curious about the scientific aspects of it all and asked all sorts of questions about IVF, child birth, etc. He liked to help give my shots, and he really wanted to be present for the birth, too (didn't work out due to flu restrictions at the hospital). We did order the book "the Kangaroo Pouch" when doing the research stage, and read it to the kids a few times, to help relate it to our kids. However, they seemed to just accept it as "the way it is". It was very normal to them, and they all were very matter of fact about it. Afterwards, we haven't prompted a conversation about it, and just continue to answer their questions as they ask. Once the "dust has settled", we plan to have a family conversation about it, just to see how the kids really felt about the entire experience from their perspective.”
THOW WAS YOUR DELIVERY AND POST-PREGNANCY?
"Delivery was another part that the OB described as "textbook", and I was luckily able to have the vaginal delivery I wanted, despite the increased odds of c-section with multiples. It was still very different from my own previous births, as I had always labored and delivered "naturally" with no medications, so having to be induced with the twins and getting both Pitocin and an epidural were very new and scary to me, but when the second twin was breech and the doctor had to reach into my body to pull her out by her feet... let's just say, I ended up very thankful for the epidural after all! I did have some pelvic issues due to the weight and strain of multiples, as well as the breech delivery of the second twin, but overall physically I have been recovering very well. Emotionally, the first couple days were a struggle with all the hormones and the intended parent's goodbye being sort of rushed due to flights they needed to catch, but overall, it has been as expected, other than the strong feelings of protectiveness, as we surrogates deeply care for these babies, even without any feelings of inappropriate attachment.”
WHAT WERE YOUR FEELINGS WHEN YOU SAW THE IP(S) HOLD THEIR BABY/BABIES FOR THE FIRST TIME?
"That moment is the moment that I looked forward to this entire journey. Any time pregnancy got hard, or even the process leading up to it all got stressful, I'd just remind myself of that prize waiting at the finish line: getting to be a part of that moment when a parent first sees their baby. There is no moment more magical in my life than that moment of first holding each of my babies in my arms, and I couldn't wait to give that moment to intended parents. If I could, I would be a surrogate 100 times over, just for that moment. Unfortunately, with a twin delivery, it had to be done in the operating room and babies had to go to warmers, so it wasn't quite the "golden hour" with immediate skin-to-skin with the parent like I'd envisioned, but there was still two healthy babies and a lot of love, so it was still magical."
WHAT WAS ONE THING YOU WISHED YOU WOULD HAVE HAD IN YOUR HOSPITAL BAG THAT YOU FORGOT?
"I actually overpacked, so packed things I didn't end up needing"
WHAT DID YOUR KID(S) AND/OR PARTER SAY WHEN MEETING THE BABY?
"My husband was smitten with the new baby smell, and it sort of took us back to those moments our babies were new, so we got to reminisce and get our "baby fever" fix. Due to flu restrictions at the hospital, my kids were unable to come to the hospital and meet the babies, so we tried to arrange a meeting after they were discharged from the hospital, but the intended father had a flight to catch, so it was a very brief meeting, and the kids didn't really have a chance to say much. The 3 year old did immediately ask, though, once he saw the babies were out of my belly, if that meant I could pick him up again, and all 4 of my kids stood in the airport and watched the plane take off."
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND CONTACT WITH THE INTENDED PARENTS NOW?
"We still text or call occasionally to check in on each other, and I follow him on Facebook to see all the pictures and videos he posts of the babies, but being a new dad with twins, I try not to bother him too much, as I can only imagine how busy he is, and I am focusing on getting back to our family's normal, too, so it is less than it was in the pregnancy, but I think that is both natural and best for everyone."
WHAT WERE SOME OF THE BENEFITS OF WORKING WITH AN AGENCY?
"I liked having someone there to help answer questions and guide the process, as well as be a "middle man" if ever needed. It was also nice to have a "template" to follow and people who'd been in our shoes before. I cannot imagine having done this without an agency."
WHAT WORDS OF WISDOM WOULD YOU SHARE WITH OTHER/NEWER GESTATIONAL CARRIERS?
"Research, research, research! Make lists: Write down what's really important to you, what you envision, etc., and make absolutely certain that you find a match that wants to provide that for you. Make sure that you fully understand what the intended parents want and not only that you can, but that you want to provide that vision for them. I think as humans we make assumptions sometimes or "hear what we want to hear" and its important to get it all lined out ahead of time, and make sure you are on the same page. For instance, if you prefer to labor alone, don't match with parents who want to be present, or vice versa, if you want parents present for labor and birth, don't match with people who do not feel comfortable being present. I am very "type A" and needed to know ahead of time what my intended father wanted of that moment, and I think having that talk ahead of time saved a lot of stress in the moment.."
IF YOU DECIDED TO BE A GESTATIONAL CARRIER AGAIN, WHAT WOULD BE THE REASON?
"I think my motivation would be the same as it was this time: getting to help someone reach that magical moment when you hold your baby for the first time. It is truly magical!"