Dear Mindful Surrogate: Will a Surrogate Carry Donated Eggs?
Dear Mindful Surrogate:
My husband and I are a gay couple. We are thrilled to be looking forward to having our first child. We have embryos formed already at our IVF clinic. These embryos were made with sperm from each of us and anonymously donated eggs. We understand from our lawyer that surrogacy with donor eggs (or donor embryos) is legally permitted in our state of New Hampshire. We are relieved to know that legal process supports our plan (phew!). What we are worried about is disclosing our use of donated eggs to a prospective surrogate. What if the surrogate doesn’t want to carry a child made from donated eggs from an anonymous stranger? What do you suggest we tell our surrogate? Should we make new embryos using a known egg donor?
Signed,
Hopeful Daddies
Dear Hopeful Daddies:
No worries here! A gestational surrogate is going to look at this scenario more black & white than you guys do. She’s going to distinguish between “my own eggs” and “not my own eggs.” These are not her own eggs, so no problem here! She will be a gestational surrogate specifically because the eggs did not come from her.
And please don’t fret the safety aspect--anonymous egg donors have to undergo the same medical screenings as an intended mother would undergo when providing her own eggs. So even though the eggs come from someone the surrogate doesn’t know, there are a lot of safety checks built into the process. Your doctor will discuss this in more detail with you and the surrogate.
That said, there are a few gestational carriers who will feel uncomfortable carrying a baby formed from a donated egg. No problem—your surrogacy agency shouldn’t match you with these prospective surrogates. But this scenario is definitely the exception, not the rule. For most surrogates, it’s no biggie just as long as her own eggs are not involved. (And surrogates—know that a good agency will never pressure you to accept match terms that are not right for you.)
Another question I sometimes get is whether you need to tell the gestational carrier about the donated eggs. With you both being male, it will be obvious that’s what is happening. But when there is an intended mother, the eggs could come from either the intended mother or a donor. So how does that work for non-LGBTQ intended parents?
The bottom line is that the surrogate must be told of the source of the eggs. It’s part of the informed consent process that the doctor will cover with her to make sure she understands what she’s getting into medically. And it’s just the right thing to do to share this information with the surrogate. In most states the donor’s part is done after she donates, so she won’t have to be involved in the surrogacy process or the surrogacy contract in any way.
Same goes for using donated sperm or donated embryos. No big deal for most surrogates, but she needs to know about the donation. If you are using both donor eggs and donor sperm (“double donor”) or if you are using donor embryos, you need to have a chat with your attorney sooner rather than later because not every state is friendly for those kind of surrogacy matches.
So, guys, stop worrying about this and spend some time doing fun stuff like buying baby must-haves.
The Mindful Surrogate